Hope vs. Delusion

So, the three of us ladies met in the real world last week to talk about our blog and catch up with each other.

They mentioned my last blog seemed, a little, well, jaded? I forget the word they used. Bitter? I think they said bitter. (yikes)

Which brings up an interesting point. This whole blog, "delusions", it could be interpreted quite negatively. And, to be honest, my posts can tend to be a bit world weary upon re-reading.

Truth be told, over the years, and along my way through the dating wilderness, I have developed a bit of a hard candy coating. I don't quite believe or expect that love and happiness are my right or even necessarily my future. The fun of first dates has been transformed into drudgery on many levels, and I rarely expect things to work out. Or at least, I rarely SAY I expect things to work out.

It is hard to be single, and it wears on me sometimes. I wonder why I can't seem to find someone who excites me to love who will love me back. I wonder what roles pickiness and self evolvement have to play in the equation. I wonder if I will be single forever, or worse; will I marry someone I don't truly love? Is the fact that I am a die-hard romantic at heart a blessing or a curse?

But, truth be told, I am still a huge romantic, idealistic dreamer. That part of me may be more incognito than it used to be, but I can assure you that deep down, I still am hopeful that I will find a romance and partner that will be...amazing. I am the softest softee in the world. I would love to find that one person who could be my partner, lover, and friend. The one who will comfort me when crying, make stupid goofy jokes with me, tell me if I have spinach in my teeth, who I can have marathon sex with, who will love my crazy family, and who will take our kids to the doctor at 3 in the morning when they put marbles up their noses.

So which is the delusion? The eternal hope for true love or the feeling that it will never find me? Hard to say. But I'll tell you this; I'll keep looking.

the last delusion

I thought I'd write today about some of the things that I know aren't true about relationships and dating, but I still wish they were.

Delusion #1: the one and only soulmate.
I so wish this were true. Someone, ot there, perfectly compatible with me, destined for each other, across the universe. Sounds nice, doesn't it? But even the founder of eharmony finds someone for me based on the 13 proven compatibilty factors, I imagine there are lots of people that I might end up happy with.

Delusion #2: He will fix all my problems.
A handy dandy man shaped cure-all. This one sounds ludicrous when you say it out loud, but in the very corners of my heart, I often fool myself into believing that if I only found that special someone, everything would be perfect. I've heard this called "the Cinderella complex"

Delusion #3: If you pick the right guy, it'll always be smooth sailing.
No, no way. I can be plenty annoying, and if my man never calls me on it, well that would just be weird. Plus, life happens. Traffic, sickness, lay off, crankiness, money problems, they will come.

Delusion #4: Good sex means we are meant for each other
I laughed when I read Marie's post about guys who are "Good sex, No future" boys. Good chemistry can be so magical that it seems you must be cosmically connected and destined for each other (okay, maybe I'm talking about really awesome sex). But even so, one must wade past the phermones and look to the boring old things like respect, compatibility, and long term goals.

Delusion #5: He should know what I'm thinking without me saying it.
Poor guy, he has to be telepathic too? This is a bad habit I have, in all y relationships, but especially my romantic ones. Note to self: say what's bothering you!

How about you all? Any delusions you are carrying around that you know are actually false?

-Heidi

I suppose...

My boyfriend and I have had several conversations with friends asking us how we know we are "supposed to be together." We are coming up on our 6th year of being a couple, and we are fairly young, so for a lot of people it is shocking that we have lasted. My answer to the question is,"Gosh, I don't know..."

It just works. That's how I know that we are supposed to be together. I know that it's a mix of our personalities, being open and honest with one another, being sexually attracted to one another, etc. Something inside me tells me everyday that he and I are meant for one another.

Heidi's post got me really thinking about relationships. I would agree with Marie's comment, that perhaps Heidi is where she is "supposed to be." I do believe we always are, but most of the time it takes hindsight to see it.

I think sometimes even though we may want to be in a committed relationship, we may not be ready. I've met people who have told me that they just can't meet someone. Don't get me wrong, I feel so privileged to be in the relationship I am in. When asked why they think their particular relationships don't work out, At times I get a Jerry Seinfeld answer that seems insignificant. Like her nose was a little lopsided or something. I think when you are at the point when the little things bother you about someone, you are trying to achieve the impossible. You are reaching for a perfection that does not exist. Hell, you're not perfect, so why should your partner have to fit into that box?

I am reminded of the movie High Fidelity. And as often as we talk about mainstream media putting pressure on everyone to be someone they're not, there are some nuggets of gold out there worth finding and High Fidelity is on of them.





I also think that when you tend to find something wrong with everyone you date, or you go for the people that you know are not going to work out, just to have a little fun, you don't really want to be in a committed relationship. You, perhaps are in love with the idea of being in love, but you are not ready to be in love. And that is perfectly fine. I say, ride the wave, have some laughs, learn a little about yourself and at some point you will be ready. I also think, getting back on the expectation side, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be in a certain place at a certain time. And if you are at an age where you thought you would have found "the one" and you have not, you think you have failed.

I do know that when you do find yourself in a committed relationship it should be pretty darn easy. Of course you will go through trying times. We have all been so honored with Marie's honesty this last week and been witnesses to a hard time in her life. But, for the most part, on a day to day basis, I think it should be easy. You shouldn't have to struggle. It should just be a part of you like your hands, heart, hair, whatever. Should feel like home. Of course, this is just my opinion. I would love to hear what you all have to say about this subject.

Pretty much everything about my relationship is what it is supposed to be. I know that sounds like I'm sugar coating it, but honestly I'm not. I am so deeply in love with my boyfriend and I know he feels the same way about me. He's comfortable, secure, challenging, exciting, everything to me.

What do you think?

---Lauren

the way we're supposed to be

Marie's posts are so honest and vulnerable. I feel humbled to be sharing this space with her. Thanks Marie for inspiring all of us to reach out and share what we are really scared to show. Reading her posts, (and Lauren's) I am struck by how over and over again we feel our realities butting up against our expectations, not just in matters of sex and love, but in all of our relationships. But I suppose it seems especially difficult when it comes to love. Marie wrote about finding that reality doesn't often match our expectations. I just came up against the realization that everything I said I wanted in a man isn't actually what I wanted after all.

I endlessly am trying to find that person who is exactly the guy I think I should be with. (i.e. Tall, smart, financially secure, goofy, kind, with good teeth and manners.) So I am befuddled to find I just broke up with a man who completely fulfills all those specifications I just rattled off. We even have the same cds. I broke up with him to date someone shorter, less financially stable, and not at all my usual type.

I think all these "supposed to"s become so stifling. I have been dating like it was my job and searching for the perfect man as if it were only a matter of weeding out the rejects and encountering my perfect fit(like a bin of bargain panties at the Department Store.)

Honestly, I am sick to death of dating. And searching. And being so damn logical and methodical about it. So I am indulging in a little illogical and impractical dating with someone who by all reasonable accounts is not an ideal match for me. It might not work out. The odds aren't really in our favor.

Maybe its just caprice, but I need a little romance in my life, foolhardy or not. My presupposed reality was starting to feel like a prison of "have-to"s. So to answer Marie's question, my love life by all accounts is seriously off track right now and not at all where it's "supposed to be".

Ah well. Fuck "supposed to", anyway.

-Heidi

The Way It's Supposed to Be ...

We've been talking a lot about expectations and the illusions we all hold or held in regard to relationships, but we haven't been doing very much in the way of exploring the best possible reality of relationships. We all know what we thought it would be that isn't true. But what about what we have that's right; that one thing that seems to be the way it's supposed to be?

I've been married for nine years, and frankly, things have not gone as planned. We are not at all where I thought we'd be nine years ago, and most things about my marriage and about being married in general are substantially different than what I expected. Yet oddly, the one part of the "fairy tale" I found most difficult to believe in has been the one that (so far) is true; namely, being on the receiving end of unconditional love.

Sometimes I'm a bitch on wheels, yet my husband loves me anyway. Sometimes I'm pushy and loud and overly intellectual, sometimes I nag, frequently I'm impossibly disorganized and messy and can't mop a floor to save my life. Sometimes I get completely frustrated with simple things and make mountains out of molehills. Sometimes I'm insecure, and sometimes I'm dreadfully critical, and sometimes I behave like a diva. But he still loves me, even when I don't believe that he does. And he keeps loving me. And it's been like this for 11 years.

I always thought (now there's a phrase that has become our classic watchword, yes?) that for me, a permanent partnership would be an exercise in tough love. After all, nobody could just put up with all my shit, so there would likely be verbal smack-downs and corrections and negotiations for respect and position and all that stuff. Right? Because I'm difficult, high-maintenance, strong-willed ... and somebody would have to wring all that out of me in order to get along. But instead, it's been all acceptance and appreciation and just enduring love, even when things weren't so great, even when I was on my worst behavior.

It's both a great feeling and a huge responsibility.

Without my partner providing the corrections and negotiations to make me a better person, an easier to get-along-with person, guess who winds up responsible for that? If I don't like me, guess whose job it is to fix me?

But the truly excellent thing here is that I have no reason to weigh myself against anyone else's expectations, no cause to worry that I'm not somehow "perfect enough." My hubby loves me like I am. He'll love me if I stay this way forever. And if I change, he'll love me that way too.

Update: If anyone is wondering, we are coming up on two weeks post-stroke. Mike's home from the hospital and doing well; his primary vision problems have largely resolved and his peripheral vision is slowly returning, improving a little every day. His eyes still get tired quickly and he's had a few odd "panic attack" type moments worrying about what he can see and when he'll be back to completely normal--a bit premature, in my humble opinion. But his blood pressure appears to be responding well to his medication, and he's basically already frightfully bored with sitting around at home watching the cats play and channel-surfing the cultural abyss that is daytime TV. (Except for Montel; I secretly suspect he gets a big charge out of Montel.)

So. What in your relationship or singlehood is the way it's supposed to be? Note, and discuss.

—'til next time,
E. Marie