The idea....

I have witnessed what I call "the idea" in myself and so many other people I know, several times over and over again.

What I mean with "the idea" is just that--the idea of just about anything. The idea of a great evening, the idea of a perfect day or perfect meal. The idea of a perfect relationship or partner. "The idea" used to get me into a lot of trouble. About 9 months of trouble in a row when I was about 19 years old to be exact.

The idea of being in a relationship is so so so different than actually being in a relationship. I think when you are emotionally unwilling to be vulnerable, you will never get passed the idea. You will always remain in a shallow relationship with whomever it may be and pretty much convince yourself that you are where you want to be.

I found that in one of my "relationships" (I put quotes around it because I still don't count it as a real one because I was so much in my head at the time--in other words I was a lost 19 year old girl) I over-analyzed every minute detail of conversations we had, I needed an explanation for every action for myself. This was all going on in my own head, none of this was being spoken out loud to the guy I was spending all of my time with. I made a ton of excuses. I honestly thought at the time that relationships did take a lot of figuring out, that you did need to dwell over everything, just to make sure you were in the right place.

One should always analyze a given situation, but it is NOT what I was doing. You should certainly make sure you are where you want to be and that it is a healthy place for you. You should not, however, convince yourself that you are satisfied when you are not. This is when "the idea" gets you in trouble. I entered this particular relationship with too many assumptions. I assumed that the guy was on the same page as me in terms of how you act when you are a couple. I had an idea of how a guy acted when he wanted to be your boyfriend. I later found out that he was miles away from where I was. This was when I finally gathered the courage to tell him I had grand affection for him and wanted to call ourselves a couple and he told me he "wasn't attracted to me in that way."

Ouch.

My ideas were so wrong at that point. The problem was that my mind was closed to certain answers. It couldn't be that I deserved better or that this guy was a waste of my time. It couldn't be that I was using him to fill some sort of void, or as a distraction from things I didn't want to confront at that time in my life. No, it had to be something over-dramatic like "our relationship was complicated and we were in the middle of figuring out our feelings for one another." How Party of Five is that? Part of me wanted the drama. I hate saying that, but that has to be part of the answer. The other part of it was that I was extremely lonely, having just lost a grandfather, living over a thousand miles from home.

So, I lived in a world inside myself. I drank this guys distance and sat there looking at him believing that I was meant to be the one he changed for. That is another IDEA that is so so so wrong. This idea, for me, was created by the thousands of romantic movies I saw where the guy changes during the last act of the film and they live happily ever after. No one, absolutely no one, will change for someone else. Sure, people can bring out some great qualities in their significant others, but they will never do a 180. And if they do, I guarantee the relationship won't last long. They must want to change for themselves first.

So, this "relationship" ended with the end of the term. I moved to Spain and discovered there was so much more to the world than teenage drama. What an awesome discovery. I also learned that I was important and taking care of myself should be a top priority. I also think I learned to go with flow, but to also be honest with myself and whoever I was dealing with. It just made everything a lot easier. You couldn't have unanswered questions about someone's feelings for you if you asked them.

Now that I am in what I consider a healthy true relationship I laugh when I think of what I thought was supposed to happen. My partner and I constantly say how spoiled we are. It is really really easy to be in love with him. And its not dramatic and I don't want it to be. And I don't believe it should be. I finally found someone who knew me, who I could fall asleep next to on the couch because I was that comfortable, wanting to be that vulnerable. I don't question his actions in terms of his feelings for me. I have no "ideas" about what our relationship should entail in a given day or even for the future, for that matter. I live every moment as it is passing and breath him in as long as I can.

Living life as open as possible, with no assumptions, ideas, or expectations, is working well for me at this point in time.


Is anyone willing to comment about lessons they learned from past/present relationships about their own illusions? Or does anyone have any questions for the three of us? We are here to answer mostly anything you throw our way.

Thanks all!

Lauren

Great Expectations

So many strands of disappointment, some barely noticeable, dangle from our hearts in the complex tapestry of a lifetime. Disappointment is a kind of loss . . . at the bottom is the loss of an illusion to which we were clinging. The only thing that can be lost, after all, is illusion.
—David Richo
"How to Be an Adult in Relationships"

Most if not all of us have experienced that moment of recognition when in the middle of heartbreak we come to understand that our beloved was not in fact a real person but primarily a creation of our own needs and imagination: insubstantial, fictionalized, an illusion. Sometimes what hurts most is that fact in and of itself—not that we have been hurt but that we have hurt ourselves by seeing what we wanted to see instead of reality.

Individual people are pretty good at eventually making us see their true colors; an inconsiderate asshole will be an inconsiderate asshole until we finally see the behavior for what it is. But it's far more difficult to sort out the difference between truth and fiction when it's not the person we're involved with but the notion of the relationship that our illusions are built around. Our only clue that we're trapped in an illusion may be disappointment itself.

My ninth wedding anniversary is coming up in a few days; my spouse and I have been "together" for 11 years. I think my husband and I see each other pretty clearly and have no illusions about each other, but I'm concerned that I may have expectations of my institutionalized state (i.e., "married") that are not fulfillable.

I was not one of those women who thought getting married was the key to happiness, nor did I imagine a lifetime of storybook romance. But I also never imagined that I would at times feel lonely in my marriage, that I would miss aspects of my single life, or that I would sometimes wonder if I had chosen wisely—or if I should have chosen at all.

This is not to say I don't love my husband—I do. And it's not to say that our marriage is an unhappy one—we don't seem to have anything to fight about, we don't have trust issues, there are no lies or betrayal or Dr. Phil-like drama. We get along well. We like each other's company. We have similar values and we're generally supportive of each other. I'm not entirely dissatisfied with anything in my marriage. But I sometimes still hear that small voice in my head, insisting quietly in a nagging, nonspecific way that this was supposed to be something different, something other, something more ...

Is this one of those illusions to which I'm unrealistically clinging? Or is it really supposed to be something more? How am I supposed to tell the difference? I don't really know. So I make dozens of little acrylic cast hearts with strange things in them—bits of flora, odd pieces of metal, scary hardware, and scraps of words and sentences floating in their depths—and I create video installations that are ostensibly of nature but always seem to include some disjointed human representation that underscores the disconnect between the fantasy and the reality of coupling up.

My Great Expectation seems to be that things will all even out, that either the little voice will stop because its demands are fulfilled or because it represents the emphemeral world of illusion. But I realize too that this expectation may be the product of another illusion, which can only be worked out by time ... and yet ...

In the end I believe we cannot think too deeply about things we feel. We have to live in our bodies and in our hearts in relationship to other people, not in our heads. If we live too much in our heads, we miss out on the juice, on the sexy I wrote about last week. Which brings us around to my second quotation of the week:

Like an echo pedal, you're repeating yourself
You know it all by heart
Why are you standing in one place
Born to blossom, bloom to perish
Your moment will run out
Cuz of your sex chromosome
I know it's so messed up how our society all thinks (for sure)
Life is short, you're capable (uh huh)
What you waiting, what you waiting, what you waiting
What you waiting for?
—Gwen Stefani
"What You Waiting For?"

Assignment: What are your expectations of where you are? What are you waiting for?

'til next week ...

–E. Marie

What is sexy?

This is such a hard question really.

I think sexy has been so commodified in our society by Victoria Secret, Sex and the City, fashion magazines and other things that the true meaning of sexy is hard to put a finger on. My cultural reference says sexy is a tan, hot, young (and thin) girl in lingerie and heels, with soft flowing long hair. But really, that's more attractive than sexy, even within the stereotype.

What is sexy? I mean, I guess attractiveness is part of it. Sexy is what makes you think of a person as a valid and desirable sexual being. So should I really be asking, what makes me find a person sexually desirable? That's an easier question. My answer for that is confidence, kindness, humor, responsibility, intelligence and thoughtfulness.

I think it's not fair for society to limit women to heels and bustiers if they want to be sexy in the eyes of their lovers. Not every girl wants or needs to wear bright red lipstick. Men may be visual creatures, but that doesn't mean women should comnform themselves to a visual stereotype. I get slightly annoyed at all the "sexy" nurses and doctor and secretary costumes around halloween. Then it becomes about a woman just pretending to be a competent working professional and instead relying on avisual cliche and bear skin for her worth.

Okay. Wait. Full confession time. I love high heels and lingerie. I have what some might qualify as a "ridiculous amount" of the stuff. And I like people thinking of me as sexy. But maybe that's just too easy. Because ultimately, I would like people (and I mean men most especially) to find me attractive and sexy based on less superficial qualities. My mind, my heart, my personality.

But if a frilly pink bra gives my confidence a lift (pun intended), then maybe it's helping rather than harming. As long as we as women don't find ourselves in a lace cage with no room to be taken seriously.

Sexy may be a lot of things to a lot of people, but there's one thing I hope it isn't: Sexy should never be limiting, for any of us.

-Heidi

The many facets of sexy

So, I have been pondering my own definition of sexy for quite a while now and am still unable to get it down to one sentence or two. I want to try and box it in a nice little package for you and make it dictionary material, but I do not believe it will ever happen. The main reason for this is that the very nature of sexy, for me, is the way in which it effects you (body, mind, and soul).

What I mean when I say this is that when I encounter something which is truly sexy I am left breathless, speechless, bug-eyed, awed, puzzled, yet strangely relaxed and content. How does this happen you ask? That would be why I lack the two-sentence definition. I have no idea.

I guess I should continue with a few examples of situations I have been involved in where I would use "sexy" as an adjective.


A grungy skater I saw once who started a random conversation with an older man at a bus stop.

A situation when my boyfriend walked 2 miles to come and see me. There's more to this story but it is a little complicated.

The elements.

Seeing a Van Gogh for the first time.

Having your judgment/stereotype of someone else completely shattered.

Random acts of kindness.

For me these situations place me in a state of being when I am knocked off balance, I'm challenged in a brand new way, in a kind of in your face way. The reason I can't explain the feeling I get when I encounter something sexy is that it is an indescribable feeling and that is exactly what I love about it.

Okay, so generally speaking SEXY starts off as butterflies in your stomach. It is centered around the feeling you get when the guy/girl you have a crush on (let's say you're about 13 years old) sits a little closer to you than usual. I love that feeling. I melt. I love melting.

That, for me, moved on from there, continuing with the butterfly feeling, but later moving into a passionate intellectual butterfly feeling. I love having conversations with people who are as passionate and willing to go all out as I am. Where my voice gets louder and louder and I talk faster and faster until I feel as though we have figured something out. Those are times when you don't really know what is happening, you don't know where you'll end up but you jump in anyway.

I think that is where it all began for me.

Sexy has developed into random moments in my life where I pause in time to reflect on an event and soak it up. I watch from a place outside myself.

Don't get me wrong, I also place my boyfriend in my list of things that are sexy. He is many levels of sexy for me. Not only physically, but emotionally and mentally. He covers all the facets. And men with salt and pepper hair are sexy. And so is Michael Buble (who can resist that voice). I love that kind of sexy...I'm a human being.

But, the reasons are usually the same. Michael Buble makes me weak in the knees when I hear him in concert. Not only because of his beautiful voice and cute smile, but because of the passion I hear time and again when he pauses to thank his audience and band. Being humble is also sexy to me.

I do not feel as though I have covered all the bases here, but I hope I never do. Then I wouldn't be surprised the next time something pops up to surprise me and shake me up a bit.

So, sexy is complicated but simple at the same time. It is something we all need in our lives every single day. Let's go out and show the world something sexy.

Surprise somebody.

Any questions?

Thanks for your time.

Lauren

What Is "Sexy"?

It seems like a simple question, one that doesn't require more consideration than reciting our list of "turn-ons"--what we like and what we look for in a sexual partner. We've got those characteristics memorized by now and they'll come rolling out like an automatic script at the slightest prompt. For me, the script goes "brains, talent, really good hair, big personality, tall, sense of humor, musical (probably guitar), sensitive hands, a dash of male vanity, and a hint of recklessness." But how well do our scripts describe what is really sexy to us? What does that word really mean?

At the most basic level of consideration, sexy can be straightforward and just about sexual turn-ons, the potential partners we meet that just make our engines hum. But even at this level, sexy is more. In my view, it's not so much about sex as it is about juice. What gives you juice, and brings about all those things we often obtain from a sexual relationship? What feeds you and gets you going ? What makes you warm and secure and peaceful? What hypes you up? What gives you grounding? What makes you feel connected? What makes you glad to be alive?

I got a very interesting lesson in "what is sexy?" from the last man I encountered who actually met all the criteria in my script. Our starting point was a different one, however; we were in no way, shape or form potential sexual partners, and yet ... there was juice and lots of it. In a way, the safety zone we occupied--free from the pressure of potentially becoming partners and the weight of any kind of looming expectations--gave me the opportunity to experience this juice in the fullness of what it actually was, to see it exclusive of its purely sexual aspects. I learned a great deal about myself and about the truth of what is sexy, in the sense of life-force empowering, for me.

To wit, sexy for me is:

A willingness to engage with the world around one.

Finding joy in conflict, like a good intellectual head-butt with a worthy opponent.

The artistic expression of more than mere ideas and concepts.

Having other people engage with my artwork in a way that is uniquely their own.

Asking--and being asked--the right questions (I have always identified with the Fisher King).

Compassion beyond one's self.

Compassion for one's self, and a certain amount of self-care.

Openness and a willingness to forgive.

Honesty, even when fearful.

Unfiltered communication.

Appreciation without critique, acceptance without expectations.

Self-reflection and self-understanding.

At the end of the day, even though my friend met the test of the script, he didn't really fulfill the rest of the criteria. I learned that sexy for me is really about sustainability. The script may turn over the engine, but these other less obvious things are the things that truly power me onward, that keep me going over time. I believe the secret is that for all of us, sexy is really something we contain within ourselves, and it's just as important to find it in our relationship with ourselves as it is to express it in relationship to another person.

Here's your test for the week:
Pick one day. Using my definition of sexy, see if you can find that juice, that sustainability, in every single thing you do, from brushing your teeth to reading your email. Try to put life-energy into all of your interactions, with other people and with yourself. Then tell me what kind of day you had, or make something small to represent your day. Next Monday, I'll share my day and artwork with you.

'Til then ... think sexy.

--E. Marie

(want more? check out my web site, Art-in-Progress, and my own blog, Art Life Now.