Hope vs. Delusion

So, the three of us ladies met in the real world last week to talk about our blog and catch up with each other.

They mentioned my last blog seemed, a little, well, jaded? I forget the word they used. Bitter? I think they said bitter. (yikes)

Which brings up an interesting point. This whole blog, "delusions", it could be interpreted quite negatively. And, to be honest, my posts can tend to be a bit world weary upon re-reading.

Truth be told, over the years, and along my way through the dating wilderness, I have developed a bit of a hard candy coating. I don't quite believe or expect that love and happiness are my right or even necessarily my future. The fun of first dates has been transformed into drudgery on many levels, and I rarely expect things to work out. Or at least, I rarely SAY I expect things to work out.

It is hard to be single, and it wears on me sometimes. I wonder why I can't seem to find someone who excites me to love who will love me back. I wonder what roles pickiness and self evolvement have to play in the equation. I wonder if I will be single forever, or worse; will I marry someone I don't truly love? Is the fact that I am a die-hard romantic at heart a blessing or a curse?

But, truth be told, I am still a huge romantic, idealistic dreamer. That part of me may be more incognito than it used to be, but I can assure you that deep down, I still am hopeful that I will find a romance and partner that will be...amazing. I am the softest softee in the world. I would love to find that one person who could be my partner, lover, and friend. The one who will comfort me when crying, make stupid goofy jokes with me, tell me if I have spinach in my teeth, who I can have marathon sex with, who will love my crazy family, and who will take our kids to the doctor at 3 in the morning when they put marbles up their noses.

So which is the delusion? The eternal hope for true love or the feeling that it will never find me? Hard to say. But I'll tell you this; I'll keep looking.