What Is "Sexy"?

It seems like a simple question, one that doesn't require more consideration than reciting our list of "turn-ons"--what we like and what we look for in a sexual partner. We've got those characteristics memorized by now and they'll come rolling out like an automatic script at the slightest prompt. For me, the script goes "brains, talent, really good hair, big personality, tall, sense of humor, musical (probably guitar), sensitive hands, a dash of male vanity, and a hint of recklessness." But how well do our scripts describe what is really sexy to us? What does that word really mean?

At the most basic level of consideration, sexy can be straightforward and just about sexual turn-ons, the potential partners we meet that just make our engines hum. But even at this level, sexy is more. In my view, it's not so much about sex as it is about juice. What gives you juice, and brings about all those things we often obtain from a sexual relationship? What feeds you and gets you going ? What makes you warm and secure and peaceful? What hypes you up? What gives you grounding? What makes you feel connected? What makes you glad to be alive?

I got a very interesting lesson in "what is sexy?" from the last man I encountered who actually met all the criteria in my script. Our starting point was a different one, however; we were in no way, shape or form potential sexual partners, and yet ... there was juice and lots of it. In a way, the safety zone we occupied--free from the pressure of potentially becoming partners and the weight of any kind of looming expectations--gave me the opportunity to experience this juice in the fullness of what it actually was, to see it exclusive of its purely sexual aspects. I learned a great deal about myself and about the truth of what is sexy, in the sense of life-force empowering, for me.

To wit, sexy for me is:

A willingness to engage with the world around one.

Finding joy in conflict, like a good intellectual head-butt with a worthy opponent.

The artistic expression of more than mere ideas and concepts.

Having other people engage with my artwork in a way that is uniquely their own.

Asking--and being asked--the right questions (I have always identified with the Fisher King).

Compassion beyond one's self.

Compassion for one's self, and a certain amount of self-care.

Openness and a willingness to forgive.

Honesty, even when fearful.

Unfiltered communication.

Appreciation without critique, acceptance without expectations.

Self-reflection and self-understanding.

At the end of the day, even though my friend met the test of the script, he didn't really fulfill the rest of the criteria. I learned that sexy for me is really about sustainability. The script may turn over the engine, but these other less obvious things are the things that truly power me onward, that keep me going over time. I believe the secret is that for all of us, sexy is really something we contain within ourselves, and it's just as important to find it in our relationship with ourselves as it is to express it in relationship to another person.

Here's your test for the week:
Pick one day. Using my definition of sexy, see if you can find that juice, that sustainability, in every single thing you do, from brushing your teeth to reading your email. Try to put life-energy into all of your interactions, with other people and with yourself. Then tell me what kind of day you had, or make something small to represent your day. Next Monday, I'll share my day and artwork with you.

'Til then ... think sexy.

--E. Marie

(want more? check out my web site, Art-in-Progress, and my own blog, Art Life Now.