The idea....

I have witnessed what I call "the idea" in myself and so many other people I know, several times over and over again.

What I mean with "the idea" is just that--the idea of just about anything. The idea of a great evening, the idea of a perfect day or perfect meal. The idea of a perfect relationship or partner. "The idea" used to get me into a lot of trouble. About 9 months of trouble in a row when I was about 19 years old to be exact.

The idea of being in a relationship is so so so different than actually being in a relationship. I think when you are emotionally unwilling to be vulnerable, you will never get passed the idea. You will always remain in a shallow relationship with whomever it may be and pretty much convince yourself that you are where you want to be.

I found that in one of my "relationships" (I put quotes around it because I still don't count it as a real one because I was so much in my head at the time--in other words I was a lost 19 year old girl) I over-analyzed every minute detail of conversations we had, I needed an explanation for every action for myself. This was all going on in my own head, none of this was being spoken out loud to the guy I was spending all of my time with. I made a ton of excuses. I honestly thought at the time that relationships did take a lot of figuring out, that you did need to dwell over everything, just to make sure you were in the right place.

One should always analyze a given situation, but it is NOT what I was doing. You should certainly make sure you are where you want to be and that it is a healthy place for you. You should not, however, convince yourself that you are satisfied when you are not. This is when "the idea" gets you in trouble. I entered this particular relationship with too many assumptions. I assumed that the guy was on the same page as me in terms of how you act when you are a couple. I had an idea of how a guy acted when he wanted to be your boyfriend. I later found out that he was miles away from where I was. This was when I finally gathered the courage to tell him I had grand affection for him and wanted to call ourselves a couple and he told me he "wasn't attracted to me in that way."

Ouch.

My ideas were so wrong at that point. The problem was that my mind was closed to certain answers. It couldn't be that I deserved better or that this guy was a waste of my time. It couldn't be that I was using him to fill some sort of void, or as a distraction from things I didn't want to confront at that time in my life. No, it had to be something over-dramatic like "our relationship was complicated and we were in the middle of figuring out our feelings for one another." How Party of Five is that? Part of me wanted the drama. I hate saying that, but that has to be part of the answer. The other part of it was that I was extremely lonely, having just lost a grandfather, living over a thousand miles from home.

So, I lived in a world inside myself. I drank this guys distance and sat there looking at him believing that I was meant to be the one he changed for. That is another IDEA that is so so so wrong. This idea, for me, was created by the thousands of romantic movies I saw where the guy changes during the last act of the film and they live happily ever after. No one, absolutely no one, will change for someone else. Sure, people can bring out some great qualities in their significant others, but they will never do a 180. And if they do, I guarantee the relationship won't last long. They must want to change for themselves first.

So, this "relationship" ended with the end of the term. I moved to Spain and discovered there was so much more to the world than teenage drama. What an awesome discovery. I also learned that I was important and taking care of myself should be a top priority. I also think I learned to go with flow, but to also be honest with myself and whoever I was dealing with. It just made everything a lot easier. You couldn't have unanswered questions about someone's feelings for you if you asked them.

Now that I am in what I consider a healthy true relationship I laugh when I think of what I thought was supposed to happen. My partner and I constantly say how spoiled we are. It is really really easy to be in love with him. And its not dramatic and I don't want it to be. And I don't believe it should be. I finally found someone who knew me, who I could fall asleep next to on the couch because I was that comfortable, wanting to be that vulnerable. I don't question his actions in terms of his feelings for me. I have no "ideas" about what our relationship should entail in a given day or even for the future, for that matter. I live every moment as it is passing and breath him in as long as I can.

Living life as open as possible, with no assumptions, ideas, or expectations, is working well for me at this point in time.


Is anyone willing to comment about lessons they learned from past/present relationships about their own illusions? Or does anyone have any questions for the three of us? We are here to answer mostly anything you throw our way.

Thanks all!

Lauren