The man I imagine

I've screwed up many a potential relationship obsessed with the "idea" of what that relationship should be.

Oh God. I'm the Queen of that.

How many times have I fallen in love with the idea of who I think a man might be, without asking him who he truly was. Or worse, how many times have I fallen in love with the idea of love?

A shy girl like myself doesn't like to ask questions; she'd much rather observe and postulate, thus circumventing troublesome self expression and allowing a little bit of snooty "wise sage on the mountaintop" self aggrandizement to seep in.

Its funny, so often I am too busy being defensive, guarded, self obsessed, insecure, and/or petty to realize who the other person is. And no wonder.... who could see another person from underneath that mountain of expectations and emotional baggage?

Instead of worrying about compatibility and respect, I worry about spinach in my teeth and whether our last names might sound good together someday. God forbid I fart in front of someone. Or allow him to be as full of faults and idiosyncrasies as I am.

Insecurity and fear creates isolation, which means the other sex becomes foreign and unknowable. Which leads to fear.

Hello vicious circle.


-Heidi