The Definition of a Marriage

One of the hardest conversations my fiance and I have ever had was about 2 or 3 months before we were engaged. One night as we were falling asleep in bed; a night when I had to get up at 4am to catch a flight home the next morning (of course); he asked me for my definition of marriage.

Let's see if I can still remember what I said. I started with the stereotypical answer, something along the lines of "A marriage is a commitment between two people where in they promise to care for one another no matter what."
His answer was, "Why do you have to have a wedding and be married in order to promise that? Don't we already have that?" Great question that I honestly didn't have an answer for.



I know that I have been conditioned my whole life to get married. I am well aware of that. I know that I will learn over this next year what else I have been conditioned to think I want. But I know in my heart that getting married to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with is more than something society is telling me I am supposed to do.

So, he was not satisfied with my answer. After he asked the why do we need a wedding question I got really nervous. That made me start to think, "What would I do if he doesn't want to get married?" "Would I be okay with that?" And I think what scared me the most was that I wouldn't.

I finally answered, mainly out of frustration, but I also think that there is a ton of truth behind it, "I don't know what a marriage is, I've never been married before." I just tried to let it go and go to sleep. I was honestly kind of scared to talk about it because of where it might go. Something I need and am working on.

About 15 minutes later Tom says, "I know what a wedding and a marriage is for." An "Aw-ha" moment if you will. He said, "When you have a wedding you are promising yourself in public (like a politician or a doctor taking an oath to serve) to give yourself entirely to someone else in order to take care of them." That was basically what I had said, but for him the public promise was the most important part to him. That makes it more powerful and true. We ended up going to sleep on a relatively happy note.

I know my fiance extremely well at this point and I know what he was doing. We were having that serious talk to make sure we were both on the same page. Unfortunately, when a man and a woman have a conversation about a wedding and a marriage each is coming from a very different vantage point. I know that I reacted too emotionally to something he was trying to be too rational about.

One is told her whole life that in order to feel accomplished she must get married, the other is told to run away. Why oh why do we do that to ourselves? Why are women disillusioned into thinking that they are nothing until they have someone and why are men told that their life is over once they say, "I do." I don't know.

So, I sort of have a definition about marriage. I know that the second I say "I do" my life will change forever. Things will be different and I believe they will only get better from here. You never know until you go for it.

Another question is, "How do you know you have a good marriage?" I guess you just honestly ask yourself if you are happy. I guess I will find out won't I?

--Lauren