This quote sort makes me throw up a little in my mouth. Hold off before you call me a cynic. I am a romantic down to my last cell, but I think that movies like Jerry Maguire tend to muck up the clear water a bit. At least for me.
I think this was what Heidi was tossing around a bit in her blog post. When does dependent become too dependent? I say, when it doesn't feel right. My mom told me that she and my father went on a vacation once where they met a couple that did absolutely every thing together. She wondered how the other one could survive when his/her partner had to go to the bathroom. For my mom, the life that couple had seemed like hell to her. But, she said, they were extremely happy. My mom is happy when my dad goes out of town. Not because she doesn't love him, but she loves to be alone. I take after my mother in that sense. I too soak up my alone time whenever it comes up. And I have a boyfriend who I honestly would struggle to live without.
So, my question for Heidi is (and everyone else out there)--It seems to me that you give yourself only two choices. Either independent and single or co-dependent and in a relationship. Why can't you have both (independent and in a relationship)?
Are you afraid that your identity will be smothered if you start a relationship?
Also, that was interesting what your friend said about you never finding true happiness until you are in a romantic situation with a guy. I guess this is where I would say that if you search for happiness in someone else or something else, it will always be on a shallow level.
I personally could have never found true love until I
A. Knew who I was (for the most part)--meaning I was willing to be honest with myself.
B. Loved myself.
C. Felt satisfied on my own.
I constantly say, and really believe, that you cannot truly love until you love yourself. So, my answer to your friend, Heidi, would be, I believe you can be completely happy before you fall into a deep romantic relationship. I just think that requires not focusing on the fact that perhaps part of you might want to be in a relationship.
I think that the only time you become co-dependent is when you lose yourself--that's why I stress the knowing yourself first. I also think that when you are comfortable with who you are and what you want you are more confident and open to receiving signals and just simply having a conversation without adding all of the questions on top of it. You just live and go with the flow. Also, knowing what you want (and really being honest about that) saves you time because you won't have to weed through a bunch of stuff you don't want.
Does this make sense to anyone or do you think I'm full of shit?
Hey, I want to hear it all.
Tell me what you think.
And Heidi, let me know what you think of this perspective.
Thanks all!
Lauren
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11 comments:
If only it was this simple. I think you can go into a relationship you must have A. B. and C. but once you are in the relationship and have been for some time it is hard not to become co-Dependant because you spend a huge chunk of your time trying to figure out how to co-exist and interaction in a relationship with your partner and i think it is hard to draw a line between co-exist and co-dependant.
That is an excellent point "ao forever". I don't mean to imply that I would be fine without my boyfriend. I don't think I would be able to breath if something ever happened to him.
I do believe there is a big difference between being dependent on someone and becoming co-dependent. For me, I love the fact that I can depend on my boyfriend and am confident that he will be there for me for the rest of my life. But, I do not look to him for my own confidence, or his approval or let him influence what I plan to do with my life. I try and keep that separate.
He is a part of me and has certainly influenced the person I am today, but I believe it has been a give and take relationship--and I think that's the most important thing.
There is a really thin line though between being dependent and co-existing or being entirely co-dependent.
How have you tried to resolve this issue in your relationship?
Thanks for participating!
--Lauren
I really enjoy reading your blog, but don't often feel like I have anything to add to the discussion. Maybe because my husband & I got married when we were so young, I feel like my ideas about love & relationships aren't very valid? I don't know, I'm still working out my hang-ups about sharing. :)
But something that you said, Lauren, about not letting your boyfriend influence what you plan to do with your life...what do you mean? I don't understand how you can have a meaningful relationship (which I know that you do have) without letting each other influence your future plans. I absolutely see the importance of having your independence within your relationship, but don't you need to have that influence on each other to continue to move forward & grow as a couple? Just a thought.
My husband & I changed our individual future plans in order to be together. And maybe we pursue our "family" goals more than our "individual" goals. I'm not sure if that's good for ourselves as individuals, but it sure makes for a stronger "US." (We joke about being on the same team & training our son to be on our team too) :)
Wow, this really got me thinking! I could go on & on. :) Thanks for being so open with your blog...I've really enjoyed the conversation.
Thanks for the comment Katrina. And falling in love at a young age does not mean you don't know what you are talking about. Simply having experiences validates what you have to say.
It is great that we have a conversation going on here, and I'm glad you have joined in. I think couples having influences on one another is a great thing. I didn't intend to down play that. I would have never watched as many kung fu movies as I have if I had not been dating the man I am dating. But, he does martial arts on his own, and I will never do them. What I mean by this is that I do some things with him because I love him, but I will not entirely sacrifice who I am in the process. Is this making my ideas more clear?
My boyfriend and I certainly consider each other when we think about the future. We've had several of those conversations. In fact we have had a lot of them lately because we don't know where we will be living in about a year. The conversation is basically, how and where can we live so that the two of us (together and individually) can pursue our lives.
I think that at the beginning stages of a relationship, some individuals tend to become what I call "chameleons." They become the person that they are dating. And, that is what I meant when I said I wouldn't allow my boyfriend to influence/determine my future.
I think that every person and couple and relationship is different and that's why it is extremely important to be honest and open with yourself. Because if you are happy than that is all that matters.
Thanks again for writing Katrina and keep it up!
--Lauren
1. Give and take is defiantly important.
I try to resolve this issue everyday in my relationship and I think this has been the most challenging thing in my relationship so far!
2. Katrina, I love your point of view. Making decisions for "The family" is defiently important and plays a big role. I recently got chances to go to a couple different medical schools and had to make my decision on which school to attend based on what was best for my family. Luckily one of my top choices works well for our family. Having recently made this decision I completely agree with Katrina. So I hope and think I wasn't co-dependent and was on the co-exist side of the line. I wish I was able to better express myself like Lauren and Katrina. I appericate your elegant words.
Thanks,
Andrea
Lauren,
So when you make a decision about where to live next year you might take a second choice job so Tom can take his dream job? This is where it is hard. Because as a good partner you would sacrifice the perfect job now, for a chance for your partner to get his dream job in hopes that some day you will get a chance at your dream job. Where on that line does this fall?
Something that I have been thinking about a lot.
Andrea
Andrea - I think that's all part of the give & take you were referring to. It doesn't mean that you are giving up on your dream or your individuality by putting your dream job on hold. Being in a relationship can sometimes require sacrifices - some easy, some hard. When Kenton started looking into grad schools, I knew that we could end up anywhere, which was hard for me since I am so close with my family. I was ready to have kids ASAP, but I knew that if Kenton put in his time at school, our family would be better off in the future. (Grad school didn't end up working out, but either way, I didn't feel like I was giving up my dream but letting Kenton fulfill his). It's hard for me to articulate these thoughts too.
It's definitely more tricky to make decisions based on another person, but it certainly is rewarding to be working with another person toward a common goal - even if that common goal is to reach your individual dreams.
Lauren, I definitely understand what you are saying. Kenton & I have very different interests & we are still learning to balance those. It is hard NOT to be co-dependent when we see each other daily & rely on each other as much as we do. In fact, Kenton often struggles with finding other people that he can participate in social activities with. In his ideal *dream* world, I would be as interested in all of his games as he is, so that we could play together all the time. :) It's difficult to explain that those games are not quite as fun for me as they are for him. :P
But when it comes to the really big decisions, a little co-dependence isn't bad (in my opinion)& can be quite helpful in bringing you together as a couple when times are tough or when stress levels are high. We definitely clung to each other when we moved to a new city & didn't know anyone.
I don't know if that helps. And I think we may have gotten off of the topic of needing to find love in order to be truly happy. That's where I have a hard time in feeling like my opinion is valid (considering I wasn't searching for very long). I do have friends that are so focused on finding love & getting married that it seems like it'll never happen for them. There does seem to be a need for being content as you are, where you are...but that just may be so that you don't drive yourself crazy trying to find "the one." Because I certainly had a lot to learn about who I am as an individual after marriage, which reminds me of a quote that I like: "One of the best wedding gifts God gave you was a full-length mirror called your spouse. Had there been a card attached, it would have said, "Here's to helping you discover what you're really like!"
Wow. See, I could go on all night on this topic, apparently. :)
couldn't have said it any better!
Great words Katrina
I love reading all your responses to this question! Thanks to all of you!
Maybe I missed the point in how I phrased the question. I think the real test is not whether you need the person or how much, but what kind of people you are together. If that person you are with helps you be the best version of yourself (a la the full length mirror story) then it is a good relationship.
So in a way I think a man could make me happier, if not "complete". Lots of things could make me a better version of myself, like more exercise, self esteem building activities, friends...they don't have to come from a man.
At the end of the day, there is a man-shaped hole in my body. Which is problematic. Biologically, I'm part of a set.
I am independent and self sufficient ...but maybe I do need a man. In the same way that a man needs a woman. Not as any sort of clingy codependent thing, but as part of the natural order of things. And not in the way that one needs oxygen, but in the way that one needs an umbrella: you can get by fine without one, but it sure is nice when you have a good one.
-Heidi
I like that. :) Well said Heidi.
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