the way we're supposed to be

Marie's posts are so honest and vulnerable. I feel humbled to be sharing this space with her. Thanks Marie for inspiring all of us to reach out and share what we are really scared to show. Reading her posts, (and Lauren's) I am struck by how over and over again we feel our realities butting up against our expectations, not just in matters of sex and love, but in all of our relationships. But I suppose it seems especially difficult when it comes to love. Marie wrote about finding that reality doesn't often match our expectations. I just came up against the realization that everything I said I wanted in a man isn't actually what I wanted after all.

I endlessly am trying to find that person who is exactly the guy I think I should be with. (i.e. Tall, smart, financially secure, goofy, kind, with good teeth and manners.) So I am befuddled to find I just broke up with a man who completely fulfills all those specifications I just rattled off. We even have the same cds. I broke up with him to date someone shorter, less financially stable, and not at all my usual type.

I think all these "supposed to"s become so stifling. I have been dating like it was my job and searching for the perfect man as if it were only a matter of weeding out the rejects and encountering my perfect fit(like a bin of bargain panties at the Department Store.)

Honestly, I am sick to death of dating. And searching. And being so damn logical and methodical about it. So I am indulging in a little illogical and impractical dating with someone who by all reasonable accounts is not an ideal match for me. It might not work out. The odds aren't really in our favor.

Maybe its just caprice, but I need a little romance in my life, foolhardy or not. My presupposed reality was starting to feel like a prison of "have-to"s. So to answer Marie's question, my love life by all accounts is seriously off track right now and not at all where it's "supposed to be".

Ah well. Fuck "supposed to", anyway.

-Heidi